Well, shit. Here I am thinking about a million different
things, feeling like I’m crazy with all these thoughts racing and crashing in
my head. At this point where I don’t know up from down and right from left.
Hitting rock bottom isn’t always what you think it to be, sometimes it’s just a
feeling of being in limbo. A limbo you can’t escape from. You explore every
single area of your own head, analyzing and trying to figure out what it all
means. You go through the motions, not completely aware of the world around you,
in a zombie state. And yet you’re just hoping and praying that one day someone
will throw a bucket of water over you and you’ll wake up and just be aware of
it all. Antidepressants and antianxiety medications are great and all but they
are numbing. Insecurities and self-doubts and inner demons always find their
way into my thoughts, poking and prodding me all at once, sometimes intensified
to such a degree that you can’t help but be changed forever. I envy those who
have a close group of friends that accept and love all that they are, because I
wasn’t really blessed with that. Of course I have some amazing friends and
family but sometimes I feel like in order to get through this life I’m going to
have to stand on my own two feet alone against the gates of hell. I can’t risk
the chance of believing someone else will be there fighting by my side,
unfortunately. I’ve already died and risen from my ashes time and time again
and somehow I’ve got to keep finding that inner fight. Life is a crazy ride.
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